I am currently on a quest for many things – not the least of which is something that I lovingly refer to as “lickable abs”.
I, like many many people, have a had a rather fraught relationship with the ever-changing idea of “””fitness”””, but I’m finally at a place in my life when I can pursue fitness in a very direct way, and focus on learning how to incorporate fitness into my life in a long-term, sustainable way.
(I have weight-lifting callouses and *everything* y’all. I’m like. Turning into a gym rat!)(Only not really at all.)(BUT STILL!!!)
The biggest problem with this, is that my relationship with food is… even more fraught than my relationship with *fitness*.
Even though they are deeply and inescapably intertwined.
I have this thing (which I have had for several years now,) where I just… don’t eat very much food.
I got sick over New Years which just seemed to exacerbate my struggles with this.
I have had several points in my life where I’ve tried tracking my food intake, and I’ve started again, and it’s so frustrating.
I do not eat enough food.
I am having so much trouble trying to fix it.
I just don’t really get hungry very often, and now that I’m at a point where I’m in programs that include guidance for nutrition, it’s really disheartening to see someone look at my logs of what I’m eating and tell me that I need to eat significantly more food.
I don’t like eating.
I never really have. – I enjoy food, and the taste of food, and I fucking LOVE cooking.
Eating is not my strong suit. It’s so difficult to explain to people who don’t understand. The response is always just “eat more food then!”
I have so many memories of nights when I haven’t eaten enough, and so I make a rule that I’m not allowed to go to bed until I’ve finished whatever meal I’m eating, and it’s fucking miserable.
I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know how to make it *better*.
I am going on a beautiful adventure this summer, and I want to be in a certain place by the time that I leave for that. It’s one of those counter-intuitive things where bodies don’t lose weight if they’re not fed, because bodies don’t know what brains know, and assume that a lack of food means starvation, so everything must be stored to last as long as possible.
If I want to get to the place that I hope to be in, I have to learn how to eat so much more food then I currently know how to consume.
I *WILL* get there.
Because I want to, and because it means a lot to me.
Just… as with so many other things, I wish that this was easier…