Starvation Mode

I am currently on a quest for many things – not the least of which is something that I lovingly refer to as “lickable abs”.

I, like many many people, have a had a rather fraught relationship with the ever-changing idea of “””fitness”””, but I’m finally at a place in my life when I can pursue fitness in a very direct way, and focus on learning how to incorporate fitness into my life in a long-term, sustainable way.

(I have weight-lifting callouses and *everything* y’all. I’m like. Turning into a gym rat!)(Only not really at all.)(BUT STILL!!!)

The biggest problem with this, is that my relationship with food is… even more fraught than my relationship with *fitness*.

Even though they are deeply and inescapably intertwined.

I have this thing (which I have had for several years now,) where I just… don’t eat very much food.

I got sick over New Years which just seemed to exacerbate my struggles with this.

I have had several points in my life where I’ve tried tracking my food intake, and I’ve started again, and it’s so frustrating.

I do not eat enough food.

I am having so much trouble trying to fix it.

I just don’t really get hungry very often, and now that I’m at a point where I’m in programs that include guidance for nutrition, it’s really disheartening to see someone look at my logs of what I’m eating and tell me that I need to eat significantly more food.

don’t like eating.

I never really have. – I enjoy food, and the taste of food, and I fucking LOVE cooking.

Eating is not my strong suit. It’s so difficult to explain to people who don’t understand. The response is always just “eat more food then!”

I have so many memories of nights when I haven’t eaten enough, and so I make a rule that I’m not allowed to go to bed until I’ve finished whatever meal I’m eating, and it’s fucking miserable.

I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know how to make it *better*.

I am going on a beautiful adventure this summer, and I want to be in a certain place by the time that I leave for that. It’s one of those counter-intuitive things where bodies don’t lose weight if they’re not fed, because bodies don’t know what brains know, and assume that a lack of food means starvation, so everything must be stored to last as long as possible.

If I want to get to the place that I hope to be in, I have to learn how to eat so much more food then I currently know how to consume.

I *WILL* get there.

Because I want to, and because it means a lot to me.

Just… as with so many other things, I wish that this was easier…

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Dilemmas of Indecision

There is one thing about this being *both* the year of doing things, and the year of I’ve discovered the depth of my coddiwompling nature:

I am not currently at a place in my life where I’m particularly good at making long-term decisions, or like, big, life-shaping, changing things.

It’s so easy to be like “Ah, yes! THIS! This is the thing I will be doing!!! and then go off in that direction, only to find something else and be like. OH. THAT! THAT is the thing I should be doing!!!

Which, usually ends up with getting overwhelmed, and for me, can often mean doing *none of the things* which is NOT. A FUCKING OPTION. THIS YEAR.

I am *NOT* doing that.

I am going to make SOMETHING WORK.  – It’s not even like I go into these things thinking that they’re permanent, or mutually exclusive, but.

There are some people who just seem to know what they want – and. I *do*, but… not in a helpful way, when it comes to planning.

I want to be happy. I want to travel. I want to live somewhere warm. I want to find a home-base, where I feel like I can go the places I want to go, but I’ll still look forward to coming back.

I want a job that lets me pursue these things.

which. Does not narrow things down really at all.

Which is, of course, suuuuuuuper fucking helpful.

Oh wait.

NO IT’S FUCKING *NOT*.

And I *will* get it. I’ll figure something out, and I’m going to make something work, because I REFUSE to let anything else be an option. I’m gonna figure this out.

It just seems like every time I think I’ve figured out where I’m going, someone hands me a different map, which is honestly lovely, and I do appreciate the thought, but like.

Fuck.

It hardly makes things easier.

I Have Misplaced My Brain.

I keep track of my life and and my brain in a not-bullet-journal style bullet-journal-esque notebook thing.

(It’s honestly super great, because not only am I managing to start making a dent in my distinctly over-large notebook collection, I also acquired an old collection of gel pens, so there’s a pretty high failure rate with these pens, but there are so many of them, so I get to have all kinds of pretty colour-coded notes for things and there’s all kinds of things like sparkle ink and metallic ink and neon and pastel and it’s AWESOME.)

Which I somehow managed to misplace yesterday, and now I feel like Neville with his remembrall.

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I usually end each day with writing my list for the next day.

THE ONLY THING ON TODAY’S LIST IS TO FIND MY FREAKING NOTEBOOK.

UGH.

Evolution of (My) Language

I…
was never an emoji person.

The last time I was updating this blog regularly I wasn’t even an “LOL” person.

THESE THINGS HAVE BOTH CHANGED.

I long ago shifted the way I type to be a direct reflection of my vernacular language choices (please note the prevalence of “like” in literally every post I have ever written, sweet fuck).

Tragically, this wound up having the inverse effect as well, so when I did finally end up chatting enough on my smart phone to justify use of “LOL”, it then seeped into my spoken vocabulary as well, and now I say it and I sound distinctly outdated, and it’s not even the outdated slang that I adopted ironically and it’s a fucking TRAGEDY.

Even after this, I managed to resist emojis for SO. LONG.

But then in June, I became a twitter convert.

EMOJIS HAVE FOREVER CHANGED THE WAY THAT I TYPE.

and now I’m blogging, and I keep wanting to use them, but I type out my blog posts on a proper freaking keyboard, and so I do not have emojis to use and… it’s actually, genuinely kinda fucking me up a little, I can’t lie.

I keep wanting to throw in smiley faces AND I CANNOT DO IT.

(Or, well – I’m sure I *can*, but I haven’t yet had the time to figure out an efficient way to do it, so for the time being, I must SUFFER through all of the spaces in my sentences that I know in my SOUL want to be filled with obnoxious pictographs of tangentially related objects.)

Back to Yoga!

Now that I’m no longer a plague-zombie, I have a made a triumphant return to my local gym!

Usually, Thursdays is the BEST day for yoga, because it’s taught by this crazy vegan lady, who occasionally breaks an ankle when hiking and then still comes in to teach class in a walking boot.

She’s the fucking best.

However, today class was taught by this lady who is just obsessed with making everyone do headstands. :/

I’m not into it.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO YOGA THEN HEADSTANDS, WHAT THE HECK.

I FUCKING HATE SPOTIFY

In the year 2018, I got an email from the internet radio that I subscribed to, telling me that I had listened to 59,590 minutes of music from them that year – which works out to be about 3 hours a day, and honestly, I’m a little bit surprised it wasn’t higher.

I **love** this internet radio. I’ve been training it for nearly 10 years. I can listen to it all day, and virtually every time a new song comes on, my response is “I LOVE THIS SONG!!!” or “Oooh, what is this? I really like this!”  – which, I think is pretty much an ideal musical situation.

However.

This internet radio doesn’t have *any* international rights, so I can’t use it when I travel.

So, sadly, tragically, I left it, and switched to Spotify, which is available pretty much everywhere.

but…

***SPOTIFY’S FUCKING INTERNET RADIO ALGORITHMS ALL FUCKING SUCK!!!!! ***

SO. FUCKING. MUCH.

And people keep saying like “Oh, it’s not for that, it’s for building playlists!! – I do no WANT to build playlists!!

I have nearly a terabyte of fucking music. If I wanted to spend the time to build playlists for every minute of my life, ***I would make hard copies that have no ads and don’t require internet or subscriptions***

But that takes a significant amount of time and energy and is genuinely just so unrealistic for how I live my life.

So, instead, I am stuck with Spotify. Which sucks. So much. and is fucking STUPID and also just randomly ***decides*** that I apparently love, FOR NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER.

For example, this year, when I got spotify playlist of my most played tracks?
Britney Spears’ “Oops I Did It Again” was like, the #3 most-played track.

Why?

Definitely not because I chose to listen to it that many times – and like. It’s a great song, don’t get me wrong, but like. Great in that pop-nostalgia way.

Definitely NOT in the way of “ZOMG!!! MY MOST FAVOURITE SONG ***EVAR!!!!!!!!!***” because, let me tell you my friends, it is not.

Spotify seems to think that an “””endless playlist””” should last for about 4 hours before repeating – IF I FUCKING WANTED THAT, I WOULD LISTEN TO ACTUAL FM RADIO.

It seems to come up with a list of about 75 songs, and then just repeat them over and over, sometimes favouring a single track, for absolutely no reason. I have heard “Oops I Did It Again ***SIX TIMES IN TWO HOURS***.

(Not an exaggeration. I counted. I’m genuinely starting to hate this fucking song.)

AND!!!!

Spotify radio playlists don’t stop changing?

I had a *PERFECT* station, for a bout 2 days, and then it CHANGED and I don’t know WHY and I can’t fucking get it BACK, and there is absolutely NO RECOURSE for this.

You cannot freeze it, you cannot get it back, you can only wistfully remember the beautiful days of bygone music.

(Seriously. FUCK. SPOTIFY.)

AND!!!!!

On top of all of this – there’s no way to tell Spotify anything like “Please play this less” or “this is the only good track on this album” or MOST IMPORTANTLY!!

THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL SPOTIFY “THESE SONGS DO NOT GO TOGETHER, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP GROUPING THEM TOGETHER ON A STATION WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU STUPID USELESS PIECE OF TRASH ALGORITHM THAT CAN DIE IN A FUCKING TRASH FIRE AND BE SHOT OUT INTO OUTERSPACE AND GET SUCKED THROUGH A BLACK HOLE SO IT CAN DIE IN REVERS ON THE OTHER FUCKING SIDE.

I might have some strong feelings.

Alas, though, I am going to stick with it, and see if it gets better, because music is my life, and I don’t really have better options.

but also?

I fucking HATE spotify.

Goal Setting

I have read so much stuff about goal setting, all kinds of articles about psychology and things, and  I think one of the most important concepts that I’ve come across is the idea that will power is a finite resource.

It’s the concept that if you spend your entire day forcing yourself to, say, perform well at a miserable job, then you don’t have nearly as much energy for other shit, like pursuing enjoyable hobbies, or other endeavors that may better your life in any way.

But.

It *also* means that  over-booking one’s schedule with *too many things* will end up with pretty much the same result.

I’ve never been super great at moderation.

I’m trying, though, this year, when I have ALL OF THE ENERGY and I want to do ALL OF THE THINGS, I’m really trying to NOT.

I have this thing that I do, where I have all this energy, so then I sign up for heaps of shit, and then all of my due dates start coming round, and I’m suddenly busier than I have any business being, and it’s fucking *insane* and exhausting, and I usually manage to make everything happen, but it’s usually work that gets smashed out barely before the deadline, and I don’t have time for my life, or friends or for taking care of myself in any way

…and I’m *aware* of this, so I really need to work on not doing that.

So.

We’ll see how that goes.

I have a journal and a massive jar of gel pens. Hopefully I can keep track of my life and not burn things down at the same time.

As of this point, I’ve not really gotten good at that, but, y’know. There’s always room for learning and growing, and this definitely seems a worthy cause to me.