Commitment…or Opportunity?

Something I’ve been struggling with lately is the idea of grounding my own idea of myself in who I actually am, not who I want to be, or who I used to be.

In attempting to be open to new things, I’ve lost the stable foundation that I recall myself having in the past.

It’s a strange moment; the realization that a belief about oneself no longer holds true. All of the years that I’ve been able to easily say “Yes, this is how I feel”, and the morning when I realize that I don’t feel that way anymore.

I’m trying to keep my life open. I want to be able to change and grow as a person. It’s just weird, because I feel like I update myself far more often than I update my own idea of myself.

There are so many times when I want to say “Yeah, I usually do” and then I realize that, no, I really don’t anymore.

I used to have this idea of myself, that I would always do what I had said. This idea of old chivalry, Arthurian honour codes. “My word is my oath, and my oath is binding.”

I don’t think that’s how I feel anymore. Now it’s a bit more of a crapshoot. I figure, if I make 200% of the plans of other people, and I only do about half of them, I’m still living 100% of life, which is probably a lot more than most folk who are only attempting to live 100% of life and not quite making it.

It means that perhaps my word is less of a solid, tangible thing, and more of a…coin flip. Commitment is a priority, but not an absolute.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this. It is a breach of my honour code. It is also clearing the way for opportunity. Commitment or freedom.

I’m sure that I’ll find a balance eventually, but that’s the sort of thing that life is for.

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2 thoughts on “Commitment…or Opportunity?

  1. It’s good to read this for two reasons:

    1. This is how I feel myself – it’s likely very common at our age/point in life. However, I haven’t been able to express it, or have not fully noticed its need to be expressed.

    2. I’m so very into following through on my word, and insist that other people do the same. However, I’m not super-great at it, and I beat myself up whenever I mess up. I get annoyed with other people when they mess up. It’s helpful to have your perspective. Always important to be reminded that other people do not necessarily have the exact same values as you, that that’s okay, and that you shouldn’t get annoyed with people you care about for being themselves.

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    • That’s actually been the one thing I’ve been trying to emphasize most in my relationships with other people – the idea that I don’ t get to be upset or angry with people because their values don’t match mine.
      If someone’s priorities are completely incompatible with mine, I probably won’t hang out with them much, but it doesn’t make them anyone an intrinsically bad person. It just makes people different.

      It’s one of those things, like, I think that the Golden Rule is one of the worst things that can be taught. I really think it’s incredibly damaging. Don’t treat others as you want to be treated. Treat others as they want to be treated and try to be self-aware enough to recognize the difference.
      It isn’t fair for me to judge other people simply because they operate with a different belief system than my own. I have to understand that other people have different priorities and values than I do, and then I have to make my decisions based on that.

      It’s also kind of tied together with this idea of responding to how people actually act as opposed to an ideal; whether that ideal is created by my perception of the person, or their perception of themselves.

      This also pushes me to try to not idealize myself and my own reactions as well. I think it’s more difficult to separate personal ideals from reality, because *I* know what I meant to say, and the intentions behind it. I also know all of the background context to excuse my own actions. Cutting through all of that and just acknowledging the difference between who I could be/want to be/whatever versus what I actually do.

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