Something I’ve been struggling with lately is the idea of grounding my own idea of myself in who I actually am, not who I want to be, or who I used to be.
In attempting to be open to new things, I’ve lost the stable foundation that I recall myself having in the past.
It’s a strange moment; the realization that a belief about oneself no longer holds true. All of the years that I’ve been able to easily say “Yes, this is how I feel”, and the morning when I realize that I don’t feel that way anymore.
I’m trying to keep my life open. I want to be able to change and grow as a person. It’s just weird, because I feel like I update myself far more often than I update my own idea of myself.
There are so many times when I want to say “Yeah, I usually do” and then I realize that, no, I really don’t anymore.
I used to have this idea of myself, that I would always do what I had said. This idea of old chivalry, Arthurian honour codes. “My word is my oath, and my oath is binding.”
I don’t think that’s how I feel anymore. Now it’s a bit more of a crapshoot. I figure, if I make 200% of the plans of other people, and I only do about half of them, I’m still living 100% of life, which is probably a lot more than most folk who are only attempting to live 100% of life and not quite making it.
It means that perhaps my word is less of a solid, tangible thing, and more of a…coin flip. Commitment is a priority, but not an absolute.
I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this. It is a breach of my honour code. It is also clearing the way for opportunity. Commitment or freedom.
I’m sure that I’ll find a balance eventually, but that’s the sort of thing that life is for.