I’ve noticed myself falling into a new pattern. I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I keep saying “I don’t know”. It’s not like that hasn’t been a part of my vocabulary before, because it has. However, in the past it’s been more of a querie. It’s an opportunity to seek more information. “I don’t know” was usually paired with some variation upon the theme of “tell me more”.
Now, “I don’t know” is giving up a conversation. It’s a retreat. “I don’t know” no longer means “I’m interested in what you have to say”.
Now it means something closer to “I don’t really understand how you expect that comment to lead into further discussion, as I *really* have no response to it and I’m not going to fight with you, so whatever.”
It’s…not really something I’m liking.
I just keep getting cornered into discussions that I absolutely want no part in. I keep finding myself in situations where nothing I know is relevant or really all that wanted. The most frustrating part is that I keep getting invited into these things. Like “Hey, come join our discussion”, and sometimes it’s brilliant.
Or, really, most times, it starts out brilliant, and then I…miss some road sign along the way, and the next thing I know, I am knee deep in quicksand *exactly* where I don’t want to be.
So, I just grab the nearest screen and say “Oh. I don’t know.” and hope that’s the end of it.
I need to figure something out.
The thing is, as much as I’m a fan of taking responsibility for my own actions (and, no, seriously. I fucking love doing that. I try to do it as much as possible, because, really. It’s fucking important.) I don’t think I’m willing to take this one on.
I’ve been in a lot of relationships that have gone…really poorly. Part of that is when I start thinking I can fix something that’s…not actually *my* problem. I can’t fix the actions of someone else. Yes, there are behavioural patterns, and yes, there are things that I do that trigger these things, however, I am allowed to be uncomfortable.
If someone consistently does things that make me uncomfortable…there is the chance that *I* am not actually the one at fault in this situation. Maybe, if I am feeling uncomfortable in a conversation, it’s not because I’ve done something wrong, or missed a cue or something.
It’s possible the other person is just a loser that we just don’t get along (or communicate) very well.
That’s nobody’s fault.
Which means it certainly isn’t mine.
I don’t have to take responsibility for an issue when I am genuinely not the person creating it.
I’m just trying to not keep making the same mistakes I’ve made before.
That’s life though.