I’ve noticed recently that lately, my reaction to a lot more situations…is fear.
I’m not really sure…where that came from?
Not like I look back at my life and say “I wasn’t afraid of anything!”
but more…I think that my response to situations tracked toward anger.
If something happened, I would get angry and defiant.
and….I think I liked that better than fear.
Anger means fighting, it means action. Fear is…hiding. Fear is keep your head down, let it happen. Fear is don’t move, someone might see you.
On the other hand though… I have worked really hard to try and not get angry anymore. Anger is stressful, and hasty and blinding. I wanted very much to not have my instinctive reaction be pushing people away, not thinking of long-term consequences or collateral damage.
I think perhaps, also, that anger often is simply covering fear. Anger is the I’m-not-afraid flash-bang of distraction. Anger is the “Watch me fight, so you don’t ask why”.
So, maybe…getting past the anger is just getting a step closer to working things out.
I think… my ideal is to be able to acknowledge the fear, know the cause of it, and then work past it.
So, maybe this is getting closer to that.
No one ever said that change is comfortable.
(That’s probably a good thing though.)