Head Up, Eyes Open




A lot.

Not even plans like “What am I going to do tomorrow?” but like “Where will I be in three months, depending on endless variables? How many versions of the plan do I need to have? How many contingencies are in place?” and then I stress out about them, and it’s dumb.

Sometimes, I have beautiful moments when I remember that I don’t need to stress out about endless plans, because in my planning, I forget *huge* things, mostly things that I don’t need.

I have really intense rules in my life sometimes; really rigid structures that I live within. (I’m really not sure where that came from or how I feel about it, but I read/heard somewhere recently “never replace a coping mechanism unless there is one ready to replace it”, so I’m just going to leave that for now.)

Sometimes I get so caught up in what I have and where I am that I don’t think of where I could be going. I drop in all of these false limitations into the equations subconsciously. I will drive myself mad thinking “How do I make this work?” when the answer is “It is working, but in a different city. Just go somewhere else.” and I’m…shocked, because the answer is so easy, and it never even occurred to me until virtually all other options had been exhausted.

I spend hours thinking “What will I do next?”

and I should really stop that, because whenever I start thinking “What will I do next” my head seems to always go straight to “where have you already been?” instead of “where do you want to go next?”

I get stuck circling the familiar.

This is a huge part of why I write bucket lists.

I see them and I remember all of the things that I want to do that I haven’t done yet.

Seeing lists of things I want to do helps get my head out of the safety of the past. I know what I’ve done. It’s all inherently turned out alright, because I’m a reasonably functional human being.

I think maybe it has to do with how I process things. I like to build off of knowledge. In my experience, there is a reason why everything is done the way it is. Once I know the reason behind the action, I can apply that knowledge to further action.

This means that I actively hoard trivia, because it’s all why‘s. (Well. Some of it is. Some of it is just weird shit that I like knowing about.)

This does mean, though, that whenever I’m looking at a situation, I start with what I already know. More than that, I start with what I know I know. The things that I am extremely confident about.

I’m not particularly confident in things that I haven’t done a thousand times, so starting from a place of confidence doesn’t lead to anything new. Starting from a place of confidence doesn’t really leave room for the building of new confidence.

So, I think that I’m going to try working on taking more steps back in planning. Because, I zoom in on things. I like small things; I like details. I like the things I already know.

But the things that I know are nothing when compared to all of the stuff that’s out there to still learn.

I need to step back from where I’ve been; step back from what I know, and get back to saying yes to things that I’m not so good at.

I like saying yes to things I’m not so good at.

That’s where stories live.




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