Someday, maybe I’ll actually go to school for something I want to do?
I think that’s a lie.
Someday, maybe I’ll just accept the fact that I hate school.
I’m so frustrated, because everything about this system is fucking *terrible*, but…school is one of the fastest ways to get to where I want to be.
(Maybe that’s why I’m so bad at school. I don’t actually want to be there.)
I just want to be where the school is.
I want to be learning the things that the school teaches.
But…every time I have been really, truly miserable in my life; like, a very seriously *unhealthy* kind of unhappy, it’s always school.
Why do people talk about University, like “Oh, it’s the time of your life!”?
It’s not. It’s panic attacks, and anxiety and no sleep and can’t eat, and how can you possibly make everyone happy, and how long will it take to pay it all back, how can you even afford to be there. Sitting in classes where if you listen right, you won’t need a book, because the lesson is “tell them what they should have read”, but it’s the only way to afford the class anyway, because one book is rent for a month.
But it sits there, this fucking gatekeeper. If you can’t do this, you’re not good enough for what waits on the other side. That job you wanted, that place you’ve always wanted to live? It’s all on the other side.
If you can’t afford it, maybe you can’t afford the life you want anyway. If you don’t have fortitude to get through it, what makes you think you can get through life on the other side?
Why is the system built to defeat so many people? (If you can even get into the system.)
I’m not useless, I’m not stupid, I have skills, I’ve done really cool things.
I have no paperwork to back it up. I have nothing to *show* for it.
I think that maybe I’m still just afraid. I grew up in a university town. The question asked wasn’t “what are you doing after school?” it was “Which university are you going to?”. No other options were presented.
There *are* other options.
I can *make* other options.
Except for fear. Saying “can you? really? Do you think that will work?”
But…if I can’t make it work some other way… what’s left?
The way I’ve been told to do it doesn’t work for me. If I can’t build another way…
I guess I’ll just have to keep trying new things.
Until something works, until something *clicks*.
Or maybe it won’t.
And I’ll figure out just what I’m willing to settle for.
Or maybe I’ll just keep walking. There’s always something else over the next hill.