As much as there are really beautiful things about my job, that I really do love, there is, inevitably, a dark side.
Unfortunately, I think I’m reaching the point where the dark side has overshadowed the good bits, to the point where it almost feels like there are no good bits.
This is because of a style of organization that I don’t react well to, which here, is called “sharking”.
I mentioned that I was having trouble, and the given advice from every corner was “Be aggressive.”
Not that I have a problem with, like, being a “go-getter”, or whatever, but…I’ve been trying really hard for the past few years to *not* be aggressive.
Like. I want to stand up for myself, and I want to like, have the strength to maintain a safe space for myself, but…aggression doesn’t really factor in to that vision.
I used to have a really wide aggressive streak. A lot of it wasn’t even for myself (or so I told myself at the time) and I had this image of myself as just…being willing to fight to death for stuff.
I’ve slowly been realizing that…that is no longer something I want to do.
I don’t need to prove my beliefs. I don’t need other people to feel what I feel. I don’t need to spend my energy fighting for people. (At this point in my life, it seems like a much better use of my time is *supporting* the people I used to think I wanted to fight for.)
I…genuinely don’t *want* to be aggressive.
I don’t like feeling as though the only way for me to be succeeding at my job is to make other people have a harder time succeeding in theirs.
Somewhere along the line, I’ve just kind of…lost the desire to be competitive.
I just, don’t really care that much about the idea of it.
Not to say that I don’t still get involved in competition sometimes, because, let’s face it, sometimes it’s fun. But, for me, it’s not about the *competition* and it’s entirely about the whole “Team Spirit!” aspect. I love being involved in teams, or even just being in a group that’s excited about something.
I love being in a situation where a lot of different people all get excited about something together.
I think it’s pretty much the best thing ever.
That’s a pretty broad definition though. It applies to very many different things.
Not really competition. Not in the “One Winner/One Loser” sense of things.
Some people function really well in those types of situations.
I am not one of them.