Of the Wolf

The other day I was walking to the bus stop to catch the bus to work.

– I live in a very small town. I’m not hardly going to say that I know who *everyone* is, because that would be absurd.

I do walk a lot though, and at this point, I kind of recognize most of the other people who walk a lot?

So I was walking to the bust stop, and I passed this guy, and y’know. I’m from a fucking small town, and I do the stupid ‘smile and wave’ thing every time I pass someone. Or like – kind of give a nod of acknowledgement whenever you cross in front of a car? like ‘Hey, thanks. I know I might technically have right-of-way, but like. If you hit me I would still totally die, so thanks for letting me walk here, friend.’

I got to the bus stop and the guy walks up to me.

I had, of course never seen this guy before in my life, and he was slurring his words so badly I could barely even understand him, and – I’ll be honest, like. Dude was probably totally off his face on *something*.

Still, I was like. Trying to be friendly or whatever, kind of doing the whole ‘Smile and Nod’ thing.

He took my hand, and like, grabbed the back of my neck – (at which point, I definitely started freaking out a little bit because DUDE I DON’T KNOW IS TOUCHING ME AND HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS.) – and he starts talking about auras. – Which, to be fair, there is a significant amount of conversations about auras that happen in this town. There’s a very strong subculture for things like that.

And he was holding my hand, and started telling me that I have the aura of a wolf.

He paused for a moment to contemplate that maybe I was a little bit fox, but then shook his head, and decided that, no, I was most definitely a wolf. Because wolves, as he said, “They look out for the pack, but they know, they have to look out for themselves first. You care for the pack, but you have to come first.”

… and then the bus showed up, and I most definitely sort of ran away.

But the thing is…

I like that.

And maybe this is going to be my year of the wolf.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing for the past year. Maybe that’s the path that I’m on.

I spent so long thinking that my worth was what I could give to other people. That there was some kind of glory in sacrifice and martyrdom.

Those thought-forms…run really, really deep in me. I honestly think that there will be no point in my life where I won’t have those ideas lingering in my brain at some level.

But I have never in my life met a happy martyr.

I’m fairly certain I’ve written it here before, but the advice that first broke through all of that in my brain: “Don’t do anything for anybody else that you wouldn’t be willing to do for yourself.”

If you’re willing to drop everything and fly across the country for your friend, be willing to do the same for yourself.

How in the world can I support the people I love when I’m not supporting *myself*.

 

So here it is, I guess.

I raise my glass to Creepy Bus Station Guy, and here’s to having the Aura of a Wolf.

 

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