It’s a quote from Carrie Fisher.
“Stay afraid, but do it anyway.”
Last night I put in my two-weeks notice at my place of work.
I have plans – I *always* have plans – endless options, nebulous clouds of possibilities of things that I could do. Whether or not I actually manage to make any of them happen is always the issue though.
It’s not like I’ve ever been known for being particularly decisive in my life.
I remember a conversation that I had with my Driftpartner, when I first got back from Australia. I kept talking about things that I wanted to do, but I was using language like I didn’t think I could actually do it. I don’t remember what I said, but I remember that he looked at me and he asked ‘What happened? You used to be so foolhardy.’
I think perhaps it’s the nature of regret to be wistful.
It’s a pre-emptive decision to stop trying. It’s letting go of of hopes before ever attempting to bring them to fruition.
I think that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to reclaim something, and I think I’m learning to start looking forward more.
I can’t ever be what I was. Nothing can ever not change. That isn’t how the world works.
I think… for me it’s a matter of framing. It’s not about trying to be who I used to be, but it’s taking the things that I like about who I’ve been, it’s about figuring out what things have brought me to the places I want to go. It’s seeing those facets of my life, and bringing those forward.
Things will look different – as they should, because the only other option is pretending to be able to stay stagnant in a changing world – but it’s about remembering. I already have these tools. They might be a bit rusted or buried under layers of junk. It might take me a bit to remember how to use them properly.
That’s all okay.
The thing about “Stay afraid”… is that there are some things that don’t go away. Fear is one of them.
I have already lost things to fear.
I’m sure I will lose more.
That isn’t what matters. What matters is to do it anyway.
After all, there is no try.