I May or May Not Be a Little Bit in Love

Sometimes I just like to put one song on repeat…sort of indefinitely.

For like. The next million years. Because who needs to sleep when there’s putting this one song on repeat and cranking up the volume as high as it can go.

and then listening to it…just one more time.

 

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Back to Coffee Shops

I am back in the land of *PROPER COFFEE SHOPS*, and I am in love.

I am also curled up in a corner, on a tweed love-seat, sipping cold brew.

It’s not even the little things, so much. It’s more of a…hallmark of a certain lifestyle.

I think I may have officially come to the conclusion that NEVER AGAIN will I choose to live in a town with no coffee shops.

No megusta.

To Mexico!

A conversation that happened in my life:

 

“What do you want to do tonight?”

“I dunno.”

“I’m bored.”

“Wanna go somewhere?”

“Sure. Where?”

“How about Mexico?”

“Yes.”

“What are we going to do there?”

“….Get tacos?”

“Excellent.”

 

…so we did. And they were delicious.

Ineffective Insults

My Punk Mentor came over tonight, and then we found out about an art gallery opening/event/thing.

I happen to be wearing some truly magnificent blue lipstick this evening, which I had to refresh before heading out to any type of soirée, naturally.

I told Punk Mentor I had to touch up my make-up, and Punk Mentor responded “Whatever, Ziggy Stardust.”

To which I replied something along the lines of “FUCK YEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!!!!!! ZIGGY STARDUST IS LIKE. MY MOST FAVOURITE BOWIE EVER!!!!!”

And I proceeded to flail about appropriately.

 

He just gave me the headshake and left for the car

Stay Afraid, But Do It Anyway

It’s a quote from Carrie Fisher.

“Stay afraid, but do it anyway.”

Last night I put in my two-weeks notice at my place of work.

I have plans – I *always* have plans – endless options, nebulous clouds of possibilities of things that I could do. Whether or not I actually manage to make any of them happen is always the issue though.

It’s not like I’ve ever been known for being particularly decisive in my life.

I remember a conversation that I had with my Driftpartner, when I first got back from Australia. I kept talking about things that I wanted to do, but I was using language like I didn’t think I could actually do it. I don’t remember what I said, but I remember that he looked at me and he asked ‘What happened? You used to be so foolhardy.’

I think perhaps it’s the nature of regret to be wistful.

It’s a pre-emptive decision to stop trying. It’s letting go of of hopes before ever attempting to bring them to fruition.

I think that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to reclaim something, and I think I’m learning to start looking forward more.

I can’t ever be what I was. Nothing can ever not change. That isn’t how the world works.

I think… for me it’s a matter of framing. It’s not about trying to be who I used to be, but it’s taking the things that I like about who I’ve been, it’s about figuring out what things have brought me to the places I want to go. It’s seeing those facets of my life, and bringing those forward.

Things will look different – as they should, because the only other option is pretending to be able to stay stagnant in a changing world – but it’s about remembering. I already have these tools. They might be a bit rusted or buried under layers of junk. It might take me a bit to remember how to use them properly.

That’s all okay.

The thing about “Stay afraid”… is that there are some things that don’t go away. Fear is one of them.

I have already lost things to fear.

I’m sure I will lose more.

That isn’t what matters. What matters is to do it anyway.

 

After all, there is no try.

Comfort Films

Yesterday I came down with some kind of horrifying flu, which was super awesome, in that way of throwing up so hard you can’t breathe?

Today I’m feeling well enough to like, venture away from my bed, however, so I’ve been drinking copious amounts of tea and watching my favourite terrible films.

Seriously. I love Jupiter Ascending so much.

So much.

Of the Wolf

The other day I was walking to the bus stop to catch the bus to work.

– I live in a very small town. I’m not hardly going to say that I know who *everyone* is, because that would be absurd.

I do walk a lot though, and at this point, I kind of recognize most of the other people who walk a lot?

So I was walking to the bust stop, and I passed this guy, and y’know. I’m from a fucking small town, and I do the stupid ‘smile and wave’ thing every time I pass someone. Or like – kind of give a nod of acknowledgement whenever you cross in front of a car? like ‘Hey, thanks. I know I might technically have right-of-way, but like. If you hit me I would still totally die, so thanks for letting me walk here, friend.’

I got to the bus stop and the guy walks up to me.

I had, of course never seen this guy before in my life, and he was slurring his words so badly I could barely even understand him, and – I’ll be honest, like. Dude was probably totally off his face on *something*.

Still, I was like. Trying to be friendly or whatever, kind of doing the whole ‘Smile and Nod’ thing.

He took my hand, and like, grabbed the back of my neck – (at which point, I definitely started freaking out a little bit because DUDE I DON’T KNOW IS TOUCHING ME AND HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS.) – and he starts talking about auras. – Which, to be fair, there is a significant amount of conversations about auras that happen in this town. There’s a very strong subculture for things like that.

And he was holding my hand, and started telling me that I have the aura of a wolf.

He paused for a moment to contemplate that maybe I was a little bit fox, but then shook his head, and decided that, no, I was most definitely a wolf. Because wolves, as he said, “They look out for the pack, but they know, they have to look out for themselves first. You care for the pack, but you have to come first.”

… and then the bus showed up, and I most definitely sort of ran away.

But the thing is…

I like that.

And maybe this is going to be my year of the wolf.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing for the past year. Maybe that’s the path that I’m on.

I spent so long thinking that my worth was what I could give to other people. That there was some kind of glory in sacrifice and martyrdom.

Those thought-forms…run really, really deep in me. I honestly think that there will be no point in my life where I won’t have those ideas lingering in my brain at some level.

But I have never in my life met a happy martyr.

I’m fairly certain I’ve written it here before, but the advice that first broke through all of that in my brain: “Don’t do anything for anybody else that you wouldn’t be willing to do for yourself.”

If you’re willing to drop everything and fly across the country for your friend, be willing to do the same for yourself.

How in the world can I support the people I love when I’m not supporting *myself*.

 

So here it is, I guess.

I raise my glass to Creepy Bus Station Guy, and here’s to having the Aura of a Wolf.

 

Courage and Spontenaity

Today I was kidnapped by Punk Mentor and his cousin. We went to the Grand Canyon for New Years.

Because we fucking wanted to.

I have spent a great deal of time and energy on training myself to just fucking go when I want to.

I don’t need to have a ****reason****

– or more… it’s just that wanting to … that *is* a reason. That’s *enough* of a reason.

 

I remember when I was… probably around the age of 12? and I had this sort of… call-and-response thing with one of my best friends.

I would ask her “Why?”

and she would say “Because we want to!”

and I would say “Why?”

and she would say “Because we can!”

 

I have a friend – in my head, her name is Nike, the Greek goddess of Victory. I think maybe I was 20? and she was my FUCKING DO IT  friend. She had an amazing answering machine message. It was Isaiah Mustafa – the Old Spice Guy – and he said something like “The Intelligent slash gorgeous slash sophisticated lady you have called cannot answer the phone at the moment as she is currently on the moon surviving on the air in her lungs given to her in a passionate kiss!”

I remember driving all the way out to the coast to finish a certification that I was taking, and I parked my car, and I was just… so afraid. And was just…frozen, in my seat. It was this thing that I knew I had to do, and I didn’t know if I had the courage to do it.

I knew I could always call her, and she wouldn’t even ask questions. I could just say “I need to do this thing…”

and she would say “FUCK YEAH. GO DO THE THING.”

I didn’t even have to actually reach her. I just had to make the call, and hear this fantastically . ridiculous voice mail message, and I would remember… that I had people. That there were people out there who would stand by me and tell me to JUST FUCKING DO THE THING, because they knew that I could.

(I called her. Reached her voice message. Listened to the whole thing, then got out of my car and knocked on the fucking door and got my goddamned certification.)

 

Nike still does this for me. My Wondertwin does. My Driftpartner, and especially my friend Tawanda. More people than I can honestly name. The people who remind me to fucking take what I want, because no one else is going to fucking do it for me.

There’s something different about it though, when you live a million miles away.

Because phone calls work, but they can’t knock on your door and say “Hey. Do you want to drive to Oklahoma with me next week?”

Punk Mentor – he moves around even more than I do, (which, to be fair, has been much easier lately, now that I’m reasonably settled in one place for a bit), and I think that transience is part of it. We’re not going to be in the same place together for long. We’re not going to be making plans for hanging out in the summer. It’s entirely possible that one or both of us won’t be living here anymore.

It makes things more immediate. It’s impossible to put something off until next week if the people involved won’t *be there*.

So instead we do it now.

We say “I want to go here.”

and then “I’m not doing anything on Thursday?”

…and then we go.

Lack of Balance

I think that one thing I have never been accused of in my life would anything remotely in the direction of being particularly well-balanced in my lifestyle. I have very strong tendencies towards ‘all-or-nothing’ (Or perhaps, more like ‘EVERYTHING-UNTIL-YOU-BURN-OUT’ as I feel is probably a little bit more personally accurate.)

A lot of what I’ve been trying to do lately is seek balance.

(Obligatory Dinotopia reference: Breathe deep. Seek peace.)

I’ve gotten a new job, which is good.

Sort of.

sort of….hypothetically.

Really what’s happened is I feel like I’ve traded everything I was doing for an entirely new lifestyle, and that… was very much not my intention.

I need to figure out how to care for myself, and that involves having a job, and having that structure; that place in society, and filling that need of ‘being useful’.

I can’t do that at the expense of every other need though, and I feel like that’s most of what the work culture is in the U.S.A.

Just. Put the ‘work’ need in front of EVERY OTHER NEED, or even better, pretend those other needs don’t even exist!!!

I think it’s another one of those ‘life things’ that a person does forever, maybe. Because needs change, so balancing them changes too.

 

Right now, though, I definitely feel as though my pendulum has swung, and I am far, far away from where I was less than a fortnight ago.