A Reasonably Major Detour

I am now stunningly free of my previous occupation, which is, to be honest, a little bit beautiful in pretty much every way imaginable.

My original plan (because we all know how much I love plans) was to go off and be a truck driver for a while.

(That plan is absolutely still in motion. That is definitely a thing that I am pursuing. I have the fucking 500 page permit study guide now, and sweet fuck is that ever intimidating, but, I digress.)

The plan to become a truck driver has been tabled until further notice, in light of several health issues popping up in family members still living in my hometown. As I am currently unemployed, I am uniquely qualified to drop all of the nothing that I have going on to head up and do my best to help out.

 

I fucking hate my hometown.

I hate it.

And, it has nothing at all to do with the town, or the people there. I just. – It’s a fucking wonderful town. There are so many opportunities there, for so many things, it’s a great place, a lot of people are just really, really happy there.

I still have people who live there, who mean so freaking much to me. (Driftpartner and Tawanda, for starters, but also just. So many people that I care about.)

But I fucking hate that town.

It’s a classic ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ moment.

It has nothing to do with the place or the people and entirely to do with my own history.

Part one of it, is honestly just that I was so deeply unhappy there, for so many years.

Part two of it, that’s harder for me to explain is the part that I know is entirely in my head.

I grew up in this town, I know…virtually everyone there. Everyone knows everyone. I can run into my school teachers at the grocery store. – And that’s all fine.

It’s just that, for some reason, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always had this feeling that success in my hometown…isn’t real.

–  Because even if I managed to be the most successful person ever to be in that town, I just have this feeling that I’ve not actually learned to be successful in life.

No matter what I accomplish there, none of it feels *true*.

Because I haven’t learned how to be successful in life, I’ve learned how to be successful in this one, teeny, out-of-the-way town, where as much as it might be my own merit getting me somewhere, it’s just as much that people remember me being on the swim team with their child Back In The Day.

It’s like. Inescapable nepotism, almost?

I go back, and I feel like it doesn’t matter who I am now, because everything that changed happened where these people didn’t see it.

So suddenly I’m the exact same as I was when I was fucking growing up.

I hate it.

It’s fucking suffocating.

-Which is, of course, only compounded by the part where I feel like…anything I try to do there is useless. Everything gained is inherently negated simply by the setting in which it happens.

Because none of it is a reflection of my actual ability.

It’s all just…cashing in on nostalgia.

Getting somewhere because I know the people to call, because I’ve always known the people to call, because it’s a teeny fucking town.

Someone says ‘I know I can give you this job, because I know you’re reliable’, but really I feel like it means ‘I’m going to give you this job, because I’ve known you since before you were able to talk’.

Which has… absolutely nothing at all to do with my character now, and who I am, and what I can do.

It also has to do with patterns of interaction?

Because I don’t want to be the person that I used to be, I was so fucking  miserable. It’s just so easy to get caught up in the same habits.

I feel like going back there is just… going *back*.

…which is absolutely overwrought and over-dramatic and what-the-fuck-ever.

 

I’m just so fucking tired of feeling like my life is stalling, and it feels practically impossible to move forward when I’m just… going back to my hometown.

Back into stasis.

Back to the same places I’ve always gone, and the same fucking things I’ve always done.

Which…is of course. It’s entirely up to me. I can make different decisions and do different things, and keep trying to move forward. That’s always going to be entirely on me.

It just seems so much easier to keep moving when there are no ruts to get stuck in.

Life Goals

I live in a strange town with really unique demographics, – which, is honestly really pretty fine for me, because I’m a weird kid and so oddities have a tendency to suit me fairly well.

I live in a Snowbird town, so most of the people who live here, are here for maybe about six months of the year, and most of them are solidly over the age of 60.

This is awesome for me, because it means that I’m meeting all of these incredible people who keep reminding me that like. – Everyone who ever says to a university student “These are the best years of your life” – like. They’re wrong.

About a million years ago, I wrote to my Wondertwin that I finally thought I understood what that meant. “These are the best years of your life” and she wrote back to me that no. It only stops being the best times of your life when you let it.

–  Now, to be sure, there are extenuating circumstances. This past year for me has…absolutely, most indefinitely not been the best times of my life. At all, by any definition. It sucked for many reasons, most stemming from troubles coping with brain chemistry.

And that happens. And that’s fine.

Because life isn’t always going to be wonderful. Sometimes it’s going to royally suck.

Even if you’re doing everything in your power to make your life better, sometimes it’s still going to suck.

The thing is…

I guess it’s really about hope?

One of my best friends in this town, she’s seventy-four, and last week, we made a plan to go to the cinema and sneak into a film. Because she hadn’t done it for decades, and I’ve never done it in my life.

I think on some level…that’s it, really. It’s just a constant process, reminding myself that I don’t need to be defined by nebulous limits somehow put in place by ****society at large*** or whatever.

I think… maybe it’s to do with the idea that…whoever you are, as a person, you can continue to be, no matter how old you are.

It’s not that desires and abilities don’t change – they do, and they *should*, but perhaps it’s just… living with people who embody the fact that you don’t ever have to outgrow anything.

It’s good to have that in my life. I deeply appreciate it.

What I’ve Been Up To

I’ve been doing a not-so-consistent job of keeping up with my blog lately, but that’s because I’ve been spending most of my free time playing music with Punk Mentor!

This is us, covering Woodie Guthrie’s ‘Ain’t Got No Home Anymore’ featuring him knowing what’s going on, and me pretending I know the lyrics. 😉

Stay Afraid, But Do It Anyway

It’s a quote from Carrie Fisher.

“Stay afraid, but do it anyway.”

Last night I put in my two-weeks notice at my place of work.

I have plans – I *always* have plans – endless options, nebulous clouds of possibilities of things that I could do. Whether or not I actually manage to make any of them happen is always the issue though.

It’s not like I’ve ever been known for being particularly decisive in my life.

I remember a conversation that I had with my Driftpartner, when I first got back from Australia. I kept talking about things that I wanted to do, but I was using language like I didn’t think I could actually do it. I don’t remember what I said, but I remember that he looked at me and he asked ‘What happened? You used to be so foolhardy.’

I think perhaps it’s the nature of regret to be wistful.

It’s a pre-emptive decision to stop trying. It’s letting go of of hopes before ever attempting to bring them to fruition.

I think that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to reclaim something, and I think I’m learning to start looking forward more.

I can’t ever be what I was. Nothing can ever not change. That isn’t how the world works.

I think… for me it’s a matter of framing. It’s not about trying to be who I used to be, but it’s taking the things that I like about who I’ve been, it’s about figuring out what things have brought me to the places I want to go. It’s seeing those facets of my life, and bringing those forward.

Things will look different – as they should, because the only other option is pretending to be able to stay stagnant in a changing world – but it’s about remembering. I already have these tools. They might be a bit rusted or buried under layers of junk. It might take me a bit to remember how to use them properly.

That’s all okay.

The thing about “Stay afraid”… is that there are some things that don’t go away. Fear is one of them.

I have already lost things to fear.

I’m sure I will lose more.

That isn’t what matters. What matters is to do it anyway.

 

After all, there is no try.

Vocabulary!!!

Words of the Week!

STRAVAGE

Stravage – verb

1. )  To roam, or ramble

2.) To wander aimlessly

 

PERSEVERATION:

Perseveration – noun

(Perseverate – verb, Perseverative – adjective)

1.) Continuation of something to an excessive degree or beyond a desired point.

(I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY’S NERVES….!)

Comfort Films

Yesterday I came down with some kind of horrifying flu, which was super awesome, in that way of throwing up so hard you can’t breathe?

Today I’m feeling well enough to like, venture away from my bed, however, so I’ve been drinking copious amounts of tea and watching my favourite terrible films.

Seriously. I love Jupiter Ascending so much.

So much.

Grand Canyon

On a road-trip with Wondertwin, summer of 2010 (I’m pretty sure. Could totally be wrong about that one though. 😛 )

 

On a New Year adventure with Punk Mentor, January 1st, 2017.

20170101_124949

 

I feel like I could say some deep philosophical bullshit about like. I don’t know. ‘Sometimes, in order to see new things, a person must retrace their steps.’

But like. Whatever. Fuck that.

It’s the same thing. Being somewhere I want to be with people that I enjoy.

If the first day of a new year is supposed to set the tone for anything… I feel like this is pretty much the best direction I could ever ask for.