Ineffective Insults

My Punk Mentor came over tonight, and then we found out about an art gallery opening/event/thing.

I happen to be wearing some truly magnificent blue lipstick this evening, which I had to refresh before heading out to any type of soirée, naturally.

I told Punk Mentor I had to touch up my make-up, and Punk Mentor responded “Whatever, Ziggy Stardust.”

To which I replied something along the lines of “FUCK YEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!!!!!! ZIGGY STARDUST IS LIKE. MY MOST FAVOURITE BOWIE EVER!!!!!”

And I proceeded to flail about appropriately.

 

He just gave me the headshake and left for the car

Of the Wolf

The other day I was walking to the bus stop to catch the bus to work.

– I live in a very small town. I’m not hardly going to say that I know who *everyone* is, because that would be absurd.

I do walk a lot though, and at this point, I kind of recognize most of the other people who walk a lot?

So I was walking to the bust stop, and I passed this guy, and y’know. I’m from a fucking small town, and I do the stupid ‘smile and wave’ thing every time I pass someone. Or like – kind of give a nod of acknowledgement whenever you cross in front of a car? like ‘Hey, thanks. I know I might technically have right-of-way, but like. If you hit me I would still totally die, so thanks for letting me walk here, friend.’

I got to the bus stop and the guy walks up to me.

I had, of course never seen this guy before in my life, and he was slurring his words so badly I could barely even understand him, and – I’ll be honest, like. Dude was probably totally off his face on *something*.

Still, I was like. Trying to be friendly or whatever, kind of doing the whole ‘Smile and Nod’ thing.

He took my hand, and like, grabbed the back of my neck – (at which point, I definitely started freaking out a little bit because DUDE I DON’T KNOW IS TOUCHING ME AND HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS.) – and he starts talking about auras. – Which, to be fair, there is a significant amount of conversations about auras that happen in this town. There’s a very strong subculture for things like that.

And he was holding my hand, and started telling me that I have the aura of a wolf.

He paused for a moment to contemplate that maybe I was a little bit fox, but then shook his head, and decided that, no, I was most definitely a wolf. Because wolves, as he said, “They look out for the pack, but they know, they have to look out for themselves first. You care for the pack, but you have to come first.”

… and then the bus showed up, and I most definitely sort of ran away.

But the thing is…

I like that.

And maybe this is going to be my year of the wolf.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing for the past year. Maybe that’s the path that I’m on.

I spent so long thinking that my worth was what I could give to other people. That there was some kind of glory in sacrifice and martyrdom.

Those thought-forms…run really, really deep in me. I honestly think that there will be no point in my life where I won’t have those ideas lingering in my brain at some level.

But I have never in my life met a happy martyr.

I’m fairly certain I’ve written it here before, but the advice that first broke through all of that in my brain: “Don’t do anything for anybody else that you wouldn’t be willing to do for yourself.”

If you’re willing to drop everything and fly across the country for your friend, be willing to do the same for yourself.

How in the world can I support the people I love when I’m not supporting *myself*.

 

So here it is, I guess.

I raise my glass to Creepy Bus Station Guy, and here’s to having the Aura of a Wolf.

 

Courage and Spontenaity

Today I was kidnapped by Punk Mentor and his cousin. We went to the Grand Canyon for New Years.

Because we fucking wanted to.

I have spent a great deal of time and energy on training myself to just fucking go when I want to.

I don’t need to have a ****reason****

– or more… it’s just that wanting to … that *is* a reason. That’s *enough* of a reason.

 

I remember when I was… probably around the age of 12? and I had this sort of… call-and-response thing with one of my best friends.

I would ask her “Why?”

and she would say “Because we want to!”

and I would say “Why?”

and she would say “Because we can!”

 

I have a friend – in my head, her name is Nike, the Greek goddess of Victory. I think maybe I was 20? and she was my FUCKING DO IT  friend. She had an amazing answering machine message. It was Isaiah Mustafa – the Old Spice Guy – and he said something like “The Intelligent slash gorgeous slash sophisticated lady you have called cannot answer the phone at the moment as she is currently on the moon surviving on the air in her lungs given to her in a passionate kiss!”

I remember driving all the way out to the coast to finish a certification that I was taking, and I parked my car, and I was just… so afraid. And was just…frozen, in my seat. It was this thing that I knew I had to do, and I didn’t know if I had the courage to do it.

I knew I could always call her, and she wouldn’t even ask questions. I could just say “I need to do this thing…”

and she would say “FUCK YEAH. GO DO THE THING.”

I didn’t even have to actually reach her. I just had to make the call, and hear this fantastically . ridiculous voice mail message, and I would remember… that I had people. That there were people out there who would stand by me and tell me to JUST FUCKING DO THE THING, because they knew that I could.

(I called her. Reached her voice message. Listened to the whole thing, then got out of my car and knocked on the fucking door and got my goddamned certification.)

 

Nike still does this for me. My Wondertwin does. My Driftpartner, and especially my friend Tawanda. More people than I can honestly name. The people who remind me to fucking take what I want, because no one else is going to fucking do it for me.

There’s something different about it though, when you live a million miles away.

Because phone calls work, but they can’t knock on your door and say “Hey. Do you want to drive to Oklahoma with me next week?”

Punk Mentor – he moves around even more than I do, (which, to be fair, has been much easier lately, now that I’m reasonably settled in one place for a bit), and I think that transience is part of it. We’re not going to be in the same place together for long. We’re not going to be making plans for hanging out in the summer. It’s entirely possible that one or both of us won’t be living here anymore.

It makes things more immediate. It’s impossible to put something off until next week if the people involved won’t *be there*.

So instead we do it now.

We say “I want to go here.”

and then “I’m not doing anything on Thursday?”

…and then we go.

Too Hot, Hot Damn.

When I was a child, I was taught that during a fire, always feel a door before you go through it. If the door is hot, it means the fire is on the other side, so you can’t go that way.

If my doorknob is too hot to touch, it means I don’t have to go outside or do anything today, right?

 

Ill-Advised Walks

I keep deciding to go on walks, which, of course, is nothing new for me.

My work schedule has been a bit strange lately though, so I’m on a bit of a different time scheme than I’m used to, so whenever I get up and I’m like ‘Ahh, yes! Time to go for a walk!’

 

By that point, it’s… high noon in Texas.

And I really like walking and making questionable decisions, so I always…

choose to go walking.

At noon.

In Texas.

 

I have started carrying a *very* large water bottle, and I’ll just say that I have reached the point where I have one of the most incredible tan lines I’ve ever acquired, and it’s from the straps of my backpack.

 

GOOD DECISIONS!!

Work So Good

Are you ready for a funny story?

I’ve mentioned that I’ve been working a lot lately.

Unfortunately, my schedules have lined up in a way that I haven’t had a day off in something over three weeks. Which, is kind of a lot. (SO MANY EARLY MORNINGS. WHY SO MANY EARLY MORNINGS.)

Anyway, so. Today was supposed to be my first proper day off in a long while, but yesterday, I got a text from a co-worker that a family member had gotten sick, and could I cover a shift.

I said yes, but because of schedule constraints, I couldn’t take the whole shift. I volunteered to take the early-morning bit, because it’s a lot easier to find someone to come in at 9:30 than at 6:30.

Then, we had to clear it with our store manager, who wasn’t answering their phone.

Which was a bit frustrating.

So, I closed the cafe, and we got out near to midnight.

I also had maintenance folk scheduled to come to my house today, so I went home and and set up my  place so they could get to the things they needed to be able to get to.

I ended up getting about two hours of sleep.

Then, I woke up, got on my bike, and went in to work.

So, after MOTHERFUCKING ALL THAT JESUS FUCK I got to work, and I was standing outside the door, and the store manager walks up and she says ‘you know I got that shift covered by someone else, right?’

and I’m just thinking ‘NO. CLEARLY I DIDN’T BECAUSE IT’S SIX IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND I DON’T FUCKING COME HERE FOR FUNZIES.’

And I managed to say something like ‘All of it?’

And she was like ‘Yes.’

So, after all that, fucking *TWO HOURS OF SLEEP*

it’s just

‘Uhm. You can go home now?’

Thanks, kids. Thanks. >.<

 

(But my friends did make me a really gigantic, beautiful cup of pity tea. So it didn’t turn out too bad I suppose.)

Practice and Timeliness

On the other hand, with all of my luck in leaving my lights on over this past week, I have, at least, become quite skilled at removing the battery of my bike.

(I have also found a mechanic shop that is about a five minute walk away, so I can come to work a bit early, pull my battery out, walk it over, and then hopefully pick it up by the time I get off work.)

 

(I probably shouldn’t have a routine for when my battery dies.)

 

(I’m gonna work on that one.)

Lights Out

What blogger has two thumbs and a *serious* need to stop fucking leaving their goddamn keys in the ignition with the fucking lights on?

 

Oh yeah.

 

*This* kid, right here.

 

At least this time I have all of the tools (and experience) with pulling my battery out.

 

Dear Shadow,

I *will* take care of you properly.

It just hasn’t seemed like it lately.

I love you!

– Your scattered mess of a rider.

 

A New Day

I don’t want to jinx anything, but I can’t  fight this feeling like maybe this is what it feels like to break a curse…

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FUCK. YES.

 

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I love getting dirty.

And playing with toys.

(I’ve been meaning  to have some quality time with the guts of my Shadow, but I hadn’t found time.

I have definitely  done my digging  at this point.

 

She’s  beautiful and I’m  loving getting to know her.